Testimony of a Self Loathing Addict-Say What?

I just joined a new on-line bible study on The Limitless Life: You Are More Than Your Past When God Holds Your Future by Derwin L Gray over at Proverbs 31 Ministries. Just the title alone makes me want to read the book. Nevertheless, as seems par the course lately, I was a little late and had to do a week’s worth of catch up last night, but it was well worth the effort.

[If you would like to join in on the study, you should find links below and on the menu bar to the left.]

As part of the study, every Thursday we are given the opportunity to link up our blogs, provided we write about one of the 4 (or so) topics listed.

I chose to write a little testimony of sorts regarding how I went from and addict to being free and courageous. (Free and Courageous-those are labels I could get used to-lol) It may take a little bit to get there, but I promise I’ll get there, so bear with me.

Not too long ago I used to be an addict. Now, I wasn’t what one normally thinks of when they think addict. Most people think of addict as someone who is dependent on drugs, alcohol, porn , or sex. No, I was addicted to something less obvious and hardly seen: self-pity and self loathing. I know that may not sound as bad or harmful as the others, but as I have some experience with drug and alcohol, I can say the effects were almost as damaging.

The tagline for the movie Inception as quoted in Limitless, “Your Mind is the scene of the crime.”

When I was a teenager I was pretty wild and did some pretty stupid stuff, which labeled me BAD, TROUBLED, LOST CAUSE, etc.. To further complicate matters, I had daddy issues, in which I labeled myself UNLOVED and UNWANTED. I never felt good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. In short I never saw myself as enough of anything. As with most addicts, to deal with the hurt and pain of both rejections I did my share of drinking and partying, which only added to my labels and hurt.

I was blessed by God with a wonderful husband and family at an early age which ended my partying days, but they did nothing to stop the self loathing and the self-pity. Even though I was a Christian, I didn’t buy that God really loved me. I thought God would only love me once I became a respectable Christian. I tried and tried, but when I failed, it gave me more and more reasons to hate myself. Then I gave up for a time. Instead of trying to change the things I didn’t like about me, I just gave into whining and complaining and hating myself more.

It wasn’t until I began to seek and honest relationship with God that I could begin to see that God really did love me. I also found a pastor who was not only great at giving sermons, but leading her flock. I surrounded myself with those who were excited in their faith and living out their faith and who were willing to teach me to do the same. I started reading Christian books (Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl, Get Out of that Pit, So Long insecurities) and those books got me into my Bible. I became more confident and somewhere along the way I fell in love with Jesus. And then the big one: I read What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst. My life has never been the same. Once I started walking in obedience to God, all things started falling into place.

1. I felt loved by God;
2. I began to like the new me;
3. I truly knew who my God was and could call Him friend;
4. I got filled with the spirit;
5. I truly became a follower of Jesus Christ;
6. I began to believe I was highly favored and had always been so (and on, and on, I could go);

Before all of this, I blamed all the bad things in my life on circumstances around me. I was unhappy because of this. My teenage troubles were because of my dad. I made excuses for everything, but deep down I knew I had caused a lot of my own troubles. Some of my self loathing was because of labels put on by other people, but most were my own. (Once again, the mind is the crime scene). Some of the labels were incorrect, but, honestly, some of them were correct, which was the hardest for me to accept. You see, there were some things about me I didn’t like and shouldn’t like. I wasn’t always a very nice person. I was quick-tempered. I said whatever I thought. I was insecure, jealous, and sometimes even down right mean.

It is not easy to admit these things about yourself. It is also a very scary thing, especially when you talk about it with others and risk them throwing it all back in your face.

This is where I began to be courageous (at least in my mind). I took a hard look at myself through God’s eyes and saw the good about myself as well as the bad. I embraced the good and changed the bad. Yes, I am still a work in progress, but I am honestly feeling great about the woman, wife, and mother I am becoming. To some it may not seem like a great David and Goliath moment, but for me it was. You see, I got to believing the labels put upon myself (by others or myself) and I began to act accordingly. In a nut shell, I made the labels a reality. When I changed my behaviors, I was able to see the labels were just labels and not reality. When I got control of my actions, I began to get control of my mind, and my mind was the real giant.

“One of my favorite movies is Inception, starring Leonardo DiCaprio. His character, Donn Cobb, leads a team of spies who are hired by corporations to steal valuable information form their rivals. Cobb and his team pull off some specializedespionage by entering into the dreams of executives through special military technology to extract top secret information. The movie plot leaps off the screen when a corporation hires Cobb and his crew to do an “inception”-the planting of an idea into the minds of the rival corporation.

Watching this filim, it occured to me that this is what Satan and his demons do to humanity. They want to steal God’s truth from our minds (extraction) and then implant lies about God and us in our minds (inception).” (Limitless Lifep. 47)

When Derwin Gray stated the 3 keys for transformation from addict to free, I couldn’t believe how much it lined up with my own life:

1. Know who you are;
2. Know whose you are;
3. Know how to live.

Now, mine came in a little different order as I didn’t know who I was until after I knew and believed whose I was, but the accuracy stunned me for a moment. As selfish as this may sound, it makes me excited to continue on in this study because I think God has some great things in store for me..possibly even breaking more chains.

I should also point out that I began to realize my unhappiness was because I was not in a place God wanted me to be. I have a calling (as we all do), but I was not living out my calling. As long as I was not living out my purpose, being the person I was made to be, I was going to be unhappy. God used my unhappiness to move me to the place I needed to be.

I don’t do this very often, but I would like to share the lyrics of two songs I wrote during my transformation process. As many of you know, I am in a Christian band (Focus) and we love to write our own music and lyrics. Not to say this comes to us easily, but the end result is always worth the efforts (at least for me). I wish I had professional recordings to share, but those are still a work in progress…maybe one day…soon? [And, yes, that is what I call and obvious hint…did you get it hubby?]

Transformation Song #1: For I am Loved

Verse 1:
Don’t know how it happened; don’t know how I slipped so far;
A moment’s hesitation, sin took hold of my heart.
Holding my hurt like a crutch, never feeling good enough,
Running further away, losing sight of your grace.

I may have fallen, but your voice is calling and I’m finding my way home……

For I am loved by Jesus Christ.
It don’t matter where I’ve been or what I’ve done
And I will lift up my face without shame and stand tall in the power of your grace.

Verse 2:
In my quest for perfection, I failed to see:
I don’t have to be perfect for Jesus to love me.
Breaking free of the shame, letting go of yesterday
Running into your arms, giving you all my heart.


My mistakes don’t define me; Satan’s lies won’t bind me.
I am who God says I am, and in His grace I will stand.
So hear these words I’m saying now: shame won’t hold me down.
Because I am a child of God, I will rise above……

Chorus 2X

Transformation Song #2: Who I Am

I look in the mirror, don’t like who I see.
Whose this mess looking back at me?
I want to run, I want to hide;
There’s strength in me I got to find………..
(music break and pick up)

Did you really think it’d be that easy?
I just roll over, you’d defeat me?
I may be shaken, but I’m not breaking….no,no,no
You knock me down, I get back up.
The cryings over, I’ve had enough!

I am wholly and dearly loved.
I am the daughter of the risen Son.
I am chosen by His hands.
Yes, I know, who I am.
I am forgiven, been redeemed.
Alive, Alive I am free.
Free from shame, free from sin
The greater one lives within.
I have peace inside my soul.
No longer broken, in Christ I’m whole.

Did you really think I’d fall apart?
I’d let your words pierce my heart?
No, you may say it, but I won’t claim it…no, no, no
You knock me down, I get back up.
The cryings over, I’ve had enough!


Gotta see through these lies;
Gotta see whose behind;
All these fears, whispers, doubts.
Or one by one, will all fall down!

Did you really think it’d be that easy?
I just roll over, you’d defeat me?
You may blame me, but you cannot shame me….no,no,no
You knock me down, I get back up.
The cryings over, I’ve had enough!


Just a little piece of my soul there, no big deal right?

Be blessed, be a blessing, and have a great weekend!


8 thoughts on “Testimony of a Self Loathing Addict-Say What?

  1. Missy, these lyrics are a beautiful testimony, in and of themselves! Isn’t it an amazing thing when we finally begin to grasp how deep and how wide is His love for us?! Thank you for sharing your heart about your own transformation and I pray God does indeed use your music BIG to bless others.

    Missy (P31 OBS Volunteer)

  2. Thank you for sharing…for getting up to speed, for putting all your thoughts and feelings in this post…for basically keeping it real. Community is great, isn’t it…when you surround yourself with a body of believers in Christ, great things happens. Encouragement is great and I’m glad you have it. Stay blessed my sweet sister in The Lord…ripping if those labels are awesome!

  3. Missy, this was so encouraging. I think your struggles to some degree are universal. I can’t think of too many women I know who don’t struggle with self-loathing at some point or other. May God bless you as you draw closer to Jesus and healing, and as you keep pointing other strugglers back to God.



  4. This is fantastic! I’m going to be honest. ..I printed it so I can explore it deeper. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. You have really inspired me to take a good look at my life and know there are better places to go. Wow!

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